


A Heart like Mine

by Charlie9646



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: American fair, F/M, Florida, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Not a death eater Severus, Smut, Teasing, Trans Male Character, Young James, alternative universe, author might have a thing for bad puns, might be considered stealing with magic or at least trying to, young Severus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:08:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26075407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie9646/pseuds/Charlie9646
Summary: Lily insisted that Severus had to meet someone and that he would know him when he saw him. There were tons of people who he thought it might be, but when it’s who he least expects, will he give him a chance?Or simply shut the door on it?
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Lily Evans, Severus Snape/James Potter
Comments: 1
Kudos: 85
Collections: Marauders on Tour





	A Heart like Mine

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [Marauders_on_Tour](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Marauders_on_Tour) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> Coastal Carnival in America full of deep fried foods and games you can't win... unless you've a wand.

“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” C.S Lewis

Severus didn’t know why he was here, why Lily felt the need to drag him to this place, a small town on the gulf coast of Florida. The beaches were beautiful, the few witches and wizards didn’t care about the past or what he had done. Maybe that was the point of this vacation to escape England and all the pain the country held for him. The past that Severus Snape wished he could bury on those rocky shores of the land he called home.

Lily insisted Severus go to a place that he surely stuck out like a sore thumb in, a beach side carnival. If Hogwarts felt rich, grounded and strong, well Cedar Key’s traveling fair was the exact opposite. It was cheap with its bright rainbow colored lights that flashed in the distance. All that he could see looked as if one strong wind could blow it all down. He found himself fighting the urge to turn his far too large nose up at the place.

Severus stepped towards the ticket booth pulling out the Muggle money which his oldest friend had shoved in his pocket, insisting he would need it for his night out with the mystery man.

The woman who sat in the booth smiled at him. Her brown curls that fell into her clear blue eyes, which were behind horn rimmed glasses.

“Five dollars, please sir,” she said to him. Her name tag said Clare.

Severus handed her a crumpled five dollar bill or at least he hoped. “Is that correct, miss?” Severus asked her, _nervously_ , worrying that the cracking nervousness of his voice would give him away as what he was. Severus didn’t have a reason to be. Too many bloody times being told how stupid you were did leave scars, though they weren’t visible but that didn’t mean they weren’t there. “I can give you more if it’s not enough.”

Severus fought the urge to tug at his hair, shoving them in his pockets instead.

“You’re not from around here, are ya?” Clare asked. “And not all is right as rain, dear. Just gotta put the bracelet on your wrist for the rides.”

“England, actually,” he said, holding out his wrist for her.

“Have fun, Mr.” She said, “and don’t worry so much. You would look more handsome if you didn’t.”

Severus felt his face heat up, surely turning red to the roots of his hair, and stepped through the gates. Lily didn’t tell him who he was looking for earlier that night, but insisted as she tugged a brush through his wet hair, “you will know him when you see him.”

As he scanned the crowd of people around him. The families, the young couples, everyone seemed happy and for once in a long time Severus wanted to be part of it. It was cooler than it had been during the day, the light ocean breeze meaning Severus wasn’t actually uncomfortable in his black button-down shirt and jeans. Lily had tried to force him into the typical clothes for this area, but even with the surgery he had, Severus liked being able to hide himself from the gaze of others even if now there was nothing to see. Though his sleeves were now rolled up and he wore a pair of flip flops, it was his compromise.

Maybe he could buy himself a candy floss, Severus thought. Something that he had always wanted growing up. But his mother insisted it was a waste of money.

It was then that he saw him, James Potter. The man looked the same and different than he had all those years ago. Black hair unmanageable and falling into his hazel eyes, which were behind thick black glasses, though they did suit him. Skin that peaked out from his short sleeve shirt was a warm brown, tanned from the sun that Severus’ own would never be. His skin on the other hand, tended to turn him somewhere in between lobster red and peeling blisters.

James Potter was kneeling down, handing a toy to a little girl, with bright green ribbons in her hair, and a smile on her face at the sight of the teddy bear. The little girl waved at the man doing something with her hands. Sign language, maybe? James did the same. The girl then took off back to her mother.

Severus planned to walk away wondering why in the bloody world Lily was trying to set him up on a date with James _bloody_ Potter. The boy, now a man who tried to make him miserable all throughout school. Who tried to make everyone see him as some sort of freak. To laugh and make fun of him for being the strange girl who liked potions and dark magic just a little too much. If he would have figured out that Sarah was actually Severus, well it surely would have only been worse.

It was then that James looked at him, smiling brightly showing off his bright white teeth.

“Hello, Severus, how have you been?” the man asked, as if they were old friends as if they had never done anything wrong. As if all could be shoved under the rug. That James deserved anything but hatred and displeasure from Severus. 

“How have I been?” Severus snarled, “you don’t even deserve to speak my name let alone speak to me like we are friends.”

“I am sorry, Sev, for what I did in the past when we were kids,” James murmured, standing up and brushing the sand off of his pale jeans. Holding his hands up, he added, “I have changed, I know that might be hard to believe and I want to make it up to you.”

“You don’t have a right to call me that nickname. You don’t have a right to. Only my friends can call me that!” He hollered at the man. “I don’t care that you changed. I want no bloody part of it.”

Severus spun on his heels, forget the stupid fair, Potter could have it just like he did with everything fucking else. That’s all the Gryffindor was good at taking things and ruining them. James ran after him, the soft thump of his sandals hitting the sand. Taking his arm, and tugging Severus back.

“Please, just one night and one chance. That’s all I ask. One night and then if I haven’t changed my mind you never will have to see me again,” James said. “I swear it.”

“I will never have to see you again?” Severus asked, sighing loudly. “That’s worth it but, Potter?” He turned to face the other man.

“Yes?” He questioned, his hazel eyes shining with hope.

“You are paying for all of it,” Severus said, patting James’ cheek as he did so. “Now come on, you want to prove you're not a dick and we still have a long way to go.”

Severus was going to enjoy this, while it lasted at least. Knowing that it was all likely just a stupid prank on Potter’s part, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy it while it lasted. Though small tiny, likely stupid part of him hoped the man in fact had grown up and changed, but Severus surely wasn’t going to count on it.

“Would you like something to eat?” James asked, tugging on his hair making it more wild than it already was. “Or maybe we can go play a game or something? Or maybe go on a ride or something.”

“Were you this nervous when we were kids?”

“No! Yes! Maybe?” He said, through gritted teeth. “I just want to show you that I have changed?”

“Then stopped pretending you are someone else,” Severus shot back. “Now come on let’s go see the weird crap American Muggles seem to think is food.”

  
  


**********************

Severus reached for one of the greasy chips or as the Americans called them french fries. They were good, even with the funny name. James wasn’t as stupid, as mean or as cruel as he had been as teenager. If either of them were anyone else? Severus might have called the man kind, but they were who they were and that’s just the way it was.

The other man was handsome, you would have to be totally blind not to see that. But, that did not undo the past or at least Severus kept telling himself. James still made his stupid jokes, but now they weren’t cruel, or maybe he simply was blinded to them because he wasn’t the butt of them anymore.

“You are cute, at least when you smile,” James said, reaching for a chip plopping it into his mouth.

“I am anything but cute!” Severus growled, he stifled his anger and said much softer, “you’re serious, aren’t you?”

“Actually, I am James, Sirius however is back in England, last I heard.”

“Well funny man, how did you learn sign language?” He asked. “Or what was that silly thing you were doing with that little girl?”

“It was sign language, actually, my mother is deaf a dark curse caused it before I was born.” The other man said, “I tended to be her translator when out in public, I picked it up far easier than my father ever did. Partly because I was so young and she started to teach me before I could even talk. My mother passed away right after we graduated Hogwarts, but I kept the skill up. It’s sort of like riding a broom. It’s helpful, and it’s nice to help people or show kids they aren’t so alone.”

James’ cheeks turned a bright shade of red, and he stared down at his hands like they were the most important thing in the world.

“And then once you started talking you never stopped,” he laughed. “Though, Potter, you aren’t as bad as you were when we were kids. The James Potter I knew wouldn’t give a crap about anyone, let alone a Muggle little girl.”

Severus pulled out a pack of cigarettes lighting one, sticking it between his lips. Smoking was a bad habit, but it was one of his only, and with the way his father was? Things could be far worse.

“Can I have one one those?”

Severus sighed and did as James asked. The sound of coughing on the man’s first puff said the other had likely never smoked a cigarette in his life.

“You know they will kill you, don’t you?” He remarked, “it’s not a good thing to start and a nearly impossible habit to break once you do.”

“And you do,” James shot back. “If it’s so bad, why are you doing it?”\

“I speak from experience about not being able to quit,” Severus said, blowing silvery blue smoke around him and the other man.

“You know I am sorry, Severus, for what I did to you back then?” he asked the smoking man. “I don’t even know I did it. I don’t know how it started, and then by the time I did you were fighting back just as hard.”

“Blaming the person you bullied for being bullied? That’s low even for you.”

James started to splutter, spitting out half words that he kept catching himself before for finishing. Severus didn’t even bother to fully listen. Then James grabbed a hold of his hand, “I am sorry. I am truly sorry, and it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. Merlin, I am a fool, aren’t I?”

“Yes you are,” Severus said. “I don’t think you can even understand this so I don’t even know why I am bothering to try, but I was getting it from all sides. You, my parents, my fellow Slytherins, and even sometimes the professors. I might as well have been with a bright red T or F on my chest and I was the only who could not see it. I knew I was different for as long as I could remember, nothing felt like it was supposed to, not even my own body.”

Severus sighed, tossing his burned out cigarette and lit another.

“Being trans wasn’t the first or the last thing that made me different, and honestly most likely didn’t even realize it. I was a strange creature to others. It did not help that I looked very much like my mother. Did you know when I first met Slughorn he called me Eileen? It was as if I didn’t exist, as if all I ever would be was her shadow, her mini me. I was nothing but the girl with the dirty second-hand robes who clearly didn’t belong in either Slytherin or at Hogwarts itself. I was simply the rubbish they forgot to take out.”

“I am sorry and I know how little that means, but I swear it,” James cried out, reaching for Severus, who clearly wasn’t interested in his display of either affection or dismay, whichever it may be. “If there is anything I could do to make it up to you…”

“Stop talking about it,” Severus snapped, ashing out his cigarette under the toe of his sandal. “That’s how you can make it better. Let’s go, you’re done eating and I want to go play a game.”

“Those games are a waste of money, or at least that’s what Lily told me.”

“Well since it’s your money, it doesn’t really matter either way, now does it?” He asked him. “And have magic anyway to even the odds.”

“Are you suggesting we cheat?” James asked, his grin mischievous. “Snape, I didn’t think you had something like that in you.”

“I am a Slytherin after all, or did you forget that?” Severus felt a bit more alive and happy, which felt unnerving to him in it’s own way.

“Let’s go then, we have games to win.”

************************

Severus had always loved Betta fish, he didn’t know why, but he just did. Maybe it was because Severus understood them. They were quite odd creatures all things considered. The males are always trying to attack one another, trying to fight each other to death in the most violent way possible. They both ended up dead in the end in most cases. Humans had made them this way, the wild ones in Japan were not like that. They twisted them for their entertainment. Severus felt like that’s what he was to a point. Another odd fact about the fish, the females were fine together, but if a male was thrown in - they would kill him. 

“Earth to Severus,” James said, waving his hand in front of his face. “Have you left the planet?”

“What kind of question is that?” Severus asked, snapping out of his own musings about bloody fish. He softened, “I am sorry, my mind decided to fly away on me.”

“It’s fine, now come on you want to go win so crap that we don’t need,” he said. “So shall we go first to the silly bears or the unicorns first?”

“Neither,” the Slytherin said, with a small smile. “I don’t have an interest in stuffed toys.”

“But, you wanted to play games?” James asked, his black eyebrows shooting into his wild hair. “What else is there to do?”

“You are going to win me a fish,” Severus said, cocking his head to the side. “And maybe one for Lily if you aren’t too bad at the game.”

“Goldfish?” He asked, “don’t they die in less than a week or something?”

“I don’t want a Goldfish. They don’t die in a week if you take care of them properly, but since they require so much care I can’t. So I want a Betta fish. It’s more like rescuing him anyway, to keep them of the grimy hands of a child.”

“You really don’t like children do you?” James asked. “But, wait, don’t you teach them?”

“Yes, I do teach them and no I don’t hate them,” Severus muttered, “but, from experience with Lily, children have a bad habit killing their first pets. They seem to forget that animals are not toys, or at least their parents do.”

“Lily?” he asked. “She loves animals, she wouldn’t hurt them!”

“Do you know that from experience?” He drawled, clearly not pleased with the other man. “Or is it Black who told you about that?”

“Must you be such an arse, Severus?”

“It’s actually a talent, now are you trying to make excuses not to spend your money on me?”

“No, I stick to what I promise,” James said, linking their arms together. “Come on let’s go win you a stupid fish.” They walked off together, James smiling, Severus trying not to, but very much utterly failing to do so.

************************ 

Severus stood next to James, feeling butterflies in his stomach that he didn’t want to admit to even himself he was having. He was sure that the other man did not feel that way, or maybe that was wrong. James kept brushing up against him. Maybe they were accidents, but some of them seemed quite purposefully or at least that what it seemed to him.

Though it might simply be wishful thinking, men like James Potter were not gay, no matter how much men like Severus wished they were. James leaned over holding the small plastic ball between his fingers, clearly he was treating this like it was an extremely important thing and that was just was quite hilarious honestly. If Severus was a woman he would think that James wanted to impress him, but that was just quite foolish, wasn’t it?

James threw it, causing it to fall straight through the ring, for a Goldfish.

“Do you want it?” James asked, “or not?”

Severus chewed on his lips, it would be unkind to say no, bratty even, spoiled. And he really liked James; at least who he was now.

“If you want you can try again,” the attendant said, saving him from having to answer. “You can try three more times for five dollars.” The older man grinned, showing off his yellow crooked teeth. It sent shivers up Severus' spine, reminding him of the people who worked in Knockturn Alley and his father. But it wasn’t a bad deal, James handed over another dollar and was handed three balls to throw.

The attendant looked away to help a mother and a child. Severus jabbed James in the side with his elbow.

“Use your wand, he’s not looking,” Severus growled. “Come on, forget it, I will do it myself.”

James threw the ball and with a silent spell Severus caused it to slip through the ring he wanted it to.

“Well we have a winner,” the attendant laughed, his tone rather mocking, clearly not pleased. “And you still have two balls, go again boys.” He crossed his arms over his chest and watched them. There was something just _off_ about the sandy haired man.

James stared at Severus, his bright hazel eyes clearly trying to say that something seemed rather off. Severus simply shrugged his shoulders and nodded his head.

James threw the second ball and missed. The old man seemed to go back to his less judgmental self after that, turning away to deal with another customer. Maybe it was his age, maybe it was his personality, or maybe it was the fact that Severus wanted to see Lily smile. So he held out his wand and did the silent spell again. The plastic ball loudly crashed through the ring.

“Why did you do that?” The young Auror growled.

“Well that’s an interesting development,” the old man muttered. He climbed out of his little area dragging both young men along with him. “Come on boys, let’s have a chat.”

“We didn’t do anything wrong!” James spluttered, trying to pull away from the man, who snatched him by the ear, which caused the younger man to snarl.

“You know what you did boy!” He hissed harshly under his breath, letting go of James’ ear. “I know magic when I see it, even if I can’t use it. I am a squib. Should I call MAGSUA, or you going to talk to me like the adults you claim to be or the fagots that you are?”

Severus and James stared sharply at one another, the anger at the man came off of each of them in waves.

“Yeah we used magic,” Severus snarled. “But an impossible game to win without it deserves it. More so if the person who is making money off of it is a bigot.”

James smiled then rudely, laughing softly under his breath. He snatched his wand from his pocket, pointing it at the man. “Now we are going to go, you are going to keep the fish and our money. And if you don’t, who knows what’s gonna happen, understand?” he said. “My boyfriend, well knows some dark magic and he might use it on you. You wouldn’t want that now, would you?”

“No.”

“Come on, Sev, let’s go,” James laughed, dragging the shocked and slightly amused man with him.

It started drizzling, the rain hitting Severus like pins hitting the floor. James’ laughter sounded like music to his ears. The man was like a light, shining on the darkest of day. They went behind a building, the walls painted ocean blue, they were under a cover at least safe from the rain. It was Florida after all quick thunderstorms were just part of being here.

“That was quite cruel of you to threaten him with me and not yourself,” Severus said.

“You were the one who learned dark magic, though, weren’t you?” He asked. “Or maybe that was just a rumor?”

“Yeah it was a rumor,” the former slytherin muttered. “Started by that friend of yours.”

“Sirius… didn’t…”

“Yes he did, bloody hell, Black knew exactly what he was doing and so did you.” His frustration bubbled just under the like a cauldron waiting to explode. Severus pulled away from James, not caring that he was getting soaked by the rain, which was now a full blown thunderstorm. 

Thunder cracking and lighting flashing in the distant, lighting up the night sky.

James pulled him back and kissed Severus. He was shocked, but not horrified. Uncomfortable but scared. His body felt as if it had been carved out of a block of ice. If this was happening, if this was real Severus knew he should enjoy it. But, even if it was a dream? Enjoying felt right.

He pulled the taller man close, fingers tangling into James’ wild hair at the nape of his neck. James hooked a thumb into his belt loop pulling him close their crotches brushing up against each other. Severus pulled away sharply, trying to catch his breath, head resting on James’ shoulder.

“Does that answer your question on how I feel?” James said, kissing Severus’ forehead. “I was like the boy on the playground pulling the girl’s pigtails. I wanted your attention and I was willing to do anything to get it - even if it was the wrong thing.”

“Don’t compare me to a girl!” Severus growled, pulling away. 

_How could he have been so stupid?_ Falling into the pool of this is just a dream and he could enjoy it? This was reality. The real world with all its flaws and misgivings. Reality was like a cold stone that your face was slammed into. It was sharp and painful. And didn’t give a damn about how you felt.

“Fucking hell!” The other man shouted, crossing his arms as he did so, “I don’t see you as a girl, I never have! I don’t like girls anymore than you liked being one. That was part of my problem, my discomfort with liking you while we were at Hogwarts.”

“What about Lily then?” Severus asked, snarling he was like a bear who had been poked far too many times and was finally striking back. “Why did you chase after her so much? Why did you annoy her so much? And get angry at me for simply being near her?”

“Because…Remus likes her,” James said, stepping closer to Severus. “And it was fun to tease him about it. I had no interest in her and I was just being a stupid teenage boy.”

“You’re a horrible person, you know that right?”

“Yes, I do,” he said. “But, it takes one to know one, doesn’t it?”

James stepped closer pulling him in for a kiss, nails scratching his scalp as he did so. Sending shock waves along Severus’ body, no longer worried about the rain or even the cold. He wanted every part of this man. He wanted the feeling of his skin under his hands. Severus wanted to taste and touch him, and yet this wasn’t just any man this was bloody Potter who made his life miserable. With his cruelty and anger. With his violence and mocking laughter. But, yet he wanted James Potter.

Nothing, not even Severus’ own understanding, no good would come of it, would change such a fact.

“I hate you,” Severus whispered, pulling away, “I hate every single bloody part of you and yet on the same token I want every single part of you. I want you in my life, my bed, and my heart. And what a stupid fool I am?”

“No more of a fool than I am,” James said. “Now let’s be smart and get out of this stupid rain, shall we?”

************************

Severus shoved the key card in the door, twisting the handle under his fingers; the cool metal under his rain chilled hands. He shivered in the cold, but also under the gaze of James. His fingers on Severus’ belly under his shirt. Just resting there not sneaking into his trousers, it thrilled him.

Were they foolish to do this? Was Severus stupid to want this? It wasn’t as if James was hiding a camera in his jean jacket waiting to take naughty photos of him. Though if he was wrong and that was the case Severus would just send Lily after him she would teach him a ruddy good lesson, and make James regret his stupid joke within an inch of his bloody life.

Severus turned to him once they got within the room. With its two queen beds, their ugly floral duvets, the shag puke green carpet, the nightstands and dresser that looked if you blew on them too hard they would fall apart. It was not unlike his childhood home and yet surely as he breathed Severus knew this was night and day from where people like James grew up. There was a sharp difference between the two and nothing else would ever change that.

Severus pulled James close, kissing him. Pulling him towards the bed, going to the man’s buttons trying to undo them all at the same time, but his long fingers seemed to just slip off of each of them. Hands shaking under the worry and nervousness that seemed to come off of both of them in waves. James pushed his hands off his buttons and went to work on them himself.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” James asked,reaching for Severus’ chin, thumb pressing into his lips.

“Yes,” Severus sighed breathlessly. “But you should know I…”

“I don’t care what your bloody parts are, Snape, so just don’t even start,” he whispered into his ear after letting go of Severus’ chin. “Now like I said if you don’t want to do this we don’t have to.”

“Do you not want to do this?” Snape asked him. “We don’t have to do this, if you don’t want to.”

James pulled him close kissing him softly once more, “does that answer your question? I want you, but I want to make sure you want this. Is there anything you would prefer I not do?”

“I won’t suck you off if that’s what you're asking. I don’t want you to touch my chest, but… I will let you know about anything else,” Severus said, his tone rather blunt and monotone. Like he was reading off potion ingredients instead of saying what he didn’t like to do in bed. Maybe it was nerves, but it most likely had to do with his outlook on life.

His fingers went to work on the buttons, undoing them slowly. Severus sat on the bed tugging off his jeans. Trying to distract himself from the feeling of being under James’ gaze. Severus wanted to cross his arms over his chest, to hide his scars from sight. They weren’t something to be ashamed of, he thought, they were a part of him, a part that led him here to this moment and there was not a bloody thing wrong with that.

Severus shut his eyes and felt the bed shift under the weight of James’ as he got onto the bed. The man’s hands were on him warm, sending sparks along his skin.

“Have you done this before?” James whispered into his ear, a feather like kiss following it. “Tell me, Severus, it’s best that I know that.”

Severus kissed him sharply on the lips, pulling the other man close.

“Does that answer your bloody question,” he shot back. “I have done this before and I know how it goes. My body isn’t that much didn’t different than any other person. It’s just what it is and I want you and this. Doing this makes me feel alive and that’s all I want now Potter, so get on with it, won’t you?”

“This isn’t something you get on with, Snape. And I have only been with…”

“I know that… It was just a way of going about saying it,” Severus muttered, turning over to face James looking up at him. “The term your looking for is cis gender men. Trans man is the term for someone like me. If you don’t like someone with my parts you can just go. I will not blame you, it isn’t the first time I will be around someone uncomfortable with my body, nor will it be the last.”

“I don’t care and I see you as a man,” James hissed. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.” 

It was then as if pieces fell into place. Kissing each other, bruising touches. Severus hissing at the feeling of James’ fingers inside of him, it had been while, longer than he would like to admit. Sex was a balm on his discomfort and displeasure of Severus’ existence. It wasn’t the first time he would use being in the arms of another as an escape.

James was inside of him, body over him, weight heavy and comforting. Nails digging into his hip, sending sparks along his skin. The other tugging out his hair.

“You’re bloody wonderful, you know that?” James hissed.

“You ain’t too bad yourself.”

_Was it bad to want this? To simply forget? Even if it was Severus didn’t bloody well care. Stealing a tiny bit back and if that’s all you could have why bloody wouldn’t you?_

Severus could tell that James was close, the way his breath came in puffs, the tightening of the man’s back under his fingers. He wasn’t though, not by far. Severus wanted to reach between the two of them, touch himself. But, with a cry the man above him came with a muffled cry into his pillow. The comforting weight of James above him, turned into feeling like someone threw a sack of potatoes on top of him.

There were no whispers of love or adoration, neither felt that for either other. Like maybe or puppy love if Severus was being generous, which he rarely was even to himself. Letting out a sigh; Severus shoved Potter off of him and took care of himself. It didn’t take much, and then he too was ready to get some sleep Potter was already snoring, the man’s crazy hair sticking up in all sorts of directions.

James Potter was handsome if you were into that sort of thing, and it seemed Severus was, not that he wanted to admit that even to himself. He didn’t know where this would go from here or possibly if it would go anywhere, but that was the joy of being alive and young. You had choices and could make them. To think he’d nearly given that up, nearly joined The Dark Lord. Looking back?

Doing so would have thrown everything away. It wouldn’t have given him any chance at making a better life - it would only left him to ruin. Severus knew now someone like Lucius Malfoy would have left him to the wolves to save himself. But, to be truthful, he wouldn’t even have blamed the bloody man.

Severus was a Slytherin after all, and the idea of trying to save your own neck was something that he could understand. Curling into James, he shut his eyes and let himself fall asleep. Maybe if Severus allowed himself to feel and let someone in it wouldn’t be so bad. Lily always said he needed to be better about such things.

  
  


***********************

Severus woke up to the sound of James digging around in his clothes for something, he was butt naked, though it was rather a lovely sight if he did say so himself.

“What are you bloody well doing?” Severus hissed.

“Just looking for the pack of cigarettes,” James shot back. “Was going to bum one off you.”

“Finished them off last night, now come back to bed would you?”

James said nothing, but did come back to bed, his lips searing Severus’ skin. His belly felt like it was full of butterflies. Maybe Lily right it wouldn’t kill him to let someone in. James seemed to make him happy. He had seemed to grow into a kind and generous person. Gone was the bully, the brute and the spoiled brat. That was the way things seemed to go though, wasn’t it?

“Sickle for your thoughts?” Potter asked Severus and took his hand into his own.

“Nothing but you,” he said, though his smile didn’t exactly meet his eyes. James however didn’t seem to notice and that was okay. “Now come here and kiss me.”

James did just that. Life was about living in the moment and that’s what Severus was going to do. 


End file.
